Scene
It begins with a search for a home theater projector. Yesterday was full of productive home-cleaning activity, and the venom of the Improvement Bug bite is a powerful stimulant. My ninth wedding anniversary is next month. My husband has been eyeing a projector for our bedroom ever since we tried one in our Rome Airbnb back in May. A great gift idea, wouldn't you say?
Not so when you have severe buyer's anxiety. After an hour, I was feeling the burnout from searching for a quality product at a price that didn't make my stomach churn. So I checked in with Writing Twitter to see the latest buzz and distract myself from my failure.
I came across a tweet from an author I'd never heard of, an excited announcement about the acquisition and publication of her latest fantasy duology. Magic, a historical setting, and apparently similar to something she had already written with those same characteristics. Curious, I went back to Amazon and looked up the first book in the author's current series. A great description, a fascinating premise, and even a glowing recommendation from Brandon Sanderson, an author I love and respect. The cherry on the sundae? The Kindle edition was on a huge sale.
Then my stomach began churning again. "What's the big deal? This is nowhere near as expensive as buying a projector! Get it together!" I told myself. But of course, I knew what was really going on. This wasn't buyer's anxiety... this was something else, something much worse when you are an author and supposedly someone who loves to read. This was...
NEW BOOK ANXIETY
I don't know why I struggle so much with reading new books. I should love the idea of jumping into a fresh world and meeting new characters. Honestly, I do love it... but it still makes me nervous. It's like when you're watching a movie and something really terrible is happening to the main character, and you're on edge because you don't know how the story is going to come right again. Books give me that too, only stronger and before I even read the first page. Is it fear of what I'll find within the pages? Fear the quality will be poor? Fear of falling in love with the characters only to see them suffer an unsatisfactory resolution? Whatever it is, it makes investing in a new book and a new author terribly difficult.
My typical solution for this is to go to the library. Perhaps my buyer's anxiety plays a little into my new book anxiety, because borrowing a book from the library makes me feel less nervous about the situation. I wouldn't say I am a person who lacks commitment, but somehow expending the resource of time (by reading) feels more doable than expending the resource of money. Thing is, if I love the book, it will absolutely be purchased and added to my collection. I believe in supporting writers who inspire me. It's the initial step off the cliff that holds me back.
Today's story ends happily. Instead of reaching for my library's website, I decided to take that step off the cliff. Reader, I bought the book. And you know what? I feel pretty good about it.
